this is my secret diary. hopefully nobody i know stumbles upon this page.

why am i writing in an online journal to begin with? isn't it better if i write on a real diary if i want this to be a medium of my secret thoughts? well i keep a *real* diary. i haven't written there for several months now but i have one. it's just a nice notebook and it serves its purpose. well to answer that, i would rather keep a secret online journal because writing (you know, the act of writing with pen and paper) makes my hand hurt. i've never been good with writing, much more penmanship, and i sometimes couldn't read what i've written. quite a problem during my school days actually. but the stress on my hands it causes is worse now and i don't know why. maybe i have carpal tunnel's syndrome or just simply have gotten used to typing with a keyboard.

now on to some secret thoughts!

i couldn't help but feel delighted that my former crush pays a great deal of attention to me. i really fell in love with mark before but he got mad at me. i was a total wreck and cried for weeks. i'm over that now though. we're also friends again now and it feels much much better before because i don't feel any pressure to try and make myself appealing so he would like me back. our conversation is more free flowing now, not like before when it was quite strained because i wanted to please him. i am still fond of mark. do i have a crush on him again? i don't know. maybe not. but talking with him again makes me really happy and i don't feel rejected anymore.

so i always look forward when we're at the same place or when he's online. he's the one who initiates the conversation most of the time which makes me even happier.